


So Rank the Stink of Shit

by collatorsden_archivist



Category: Ashes to Ashes, Life on Mars & Related Fandoms, Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coma, Crack, PG - Green Cortina, Time Period: 2006-present (Life on Mars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-06
Updated: 2008-04-06
Packaged: 2019-01-20 19:59:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12440532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collatorsden_archivist/pseuds/collatorsden_archivist
Summary: Everyone's a critic.





	So Rank the Stink of Shit

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Janni, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [the Collators' Den](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Collators%27_Den), which was moved to the AO3 to ensure access and longevity for the fanworks. I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in October 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the Collators' Den collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/collatorsden/profile).

  
Author's notes: I blame Neuralclone. XD  


* * *

"Oi! What's all this then?! I didn't ask for a roommate! You remember what happened to my last one, don't ya?" a voice grumbled from behind the curtain partitioning the sterile white hospital room. 

 

 

"Now, Mr. Hunt, you know you can have a private room if you've got such a problem with others," Nurse Halloway soothed.

 

 

A loudish coughing sound came from the other side of the curtain, in which there may possibly have been a few carefully chosen words. Which Nurse Halloway chose to ignore, in the interests of professionalism. 

 

 

"Be a good boy, now, and I'll make sure you get an extra cookie later," she added.

 

 

A sulky silence was returned from the other side of the curtain as Nurse Halloway went about arranging her new patient this side of the curtain. _At least this one is unconscious,_ she thought to herself as she smoothed the sheets down around the man's legs. _A bit easier to lift, too._

 

 

Eventually curiosity got the better of Mr. Hunt, and he drew back the curtain and scowled at his new roommate. "What's his problem?" he asked the nurse.

 

 

"We think he might be in a coma; he's only going to be here a short time while we're waiting for the CAT scan machine to be free. He was just brought in; he's definitely unconscious but we're not sure why."

 

 

"Does it seem like an accident or a crime, love?" Mr. Hunt asked before he could stop himself.

 

 

Raising her eyebrows at his sudden interest, Nurse Halloway decided to answer honestly. "I'm not sure. There's an investigation going on, but we're pretty sure some sort of vehicle hit him as he was standing outside his own car."

 

 

"Was there anything suspicious found in his car? Any questionable substances?" Mr. Hunt squinted as he tried to view his roommate, then exasperatedly reached for his glasses on the nightstand.

 

 

"You shouldn't get yourself so excited, Mr. Hunt. You're retired, remember?" Nurse Halloway admonished.

 

 

Gene Hunt just peered at her silently from behind his glasses.

 

 

"All right, I suppose I shouldn't be telling you this, but I don't see what harm it can do. Nothing seemed suspicious at the time. There was an iPod still playing when our men got there, a discarded water bottle, and a book with a few dog-eared pages tossed in the backseat." Nurse Halloway crossed her arms. "Is that better? Now, you should be resting."

 

 

"What book was it?" Mr. Hunt asked, trying not to seem too interested. He couldn't forget the embarassment of DI Carling walking in on him one day indulging himself in the bathroom with his favourite dog-eared copy of **Blandings Castle** , and so wasn't exactly keen on exposing such prurient interests to the general public.

 

 

"Here, you can have a look. I've brought it in just in case he wants it when he wakes up." Nurse Halloway handed the book over to her conscious charge. This was, after all, the first time during his hospital stay he'd seemed interested enough in something that he wasn't grumpy.

 

 

"'You should not have run.' His accent was not easy to place. 'Now tell me where it is.' 

 

 

"'I told you already,' the curator stammered, kneeling defenseless on the floor of the gallery. 'I have no idea what you are talking about!'

 

 

"'You are lying.' The man stared at him, perfectly immobile except for the glint in his ghostly eyes. 'You and your brethren possess something that is not yours.'

 

 

"The curator felt a surge of adrenalin. _How could he possibly know this?_ " Gene Hunt scowled at the page as he read aloud.

 

 

"Oi, I think I've found why this man's in a coma. Whoever wrote this is bloody AWFUL! I wouldn't want to wipe my arse with it!"

 

 

Nurse Halloway glanced at the cover. "Me mam and I can't wait for the movie," she said, stiffly. 

 

 

"I'll bet the porno version's got a better plot," Gene Hunt spat disparagingly. "Can no one write decent dialogue anymore?"


End file.
